I woke up at 4 am in horrible discomfort that bordered on pain.

So I'm not going to the event today...

Most likely it was air from the procedure that was still inside me. I'm not in any discomfort today. There's also the fact that I hadn't eaten any solid food in three days. So I forced down a bagel and yogurt this morning.

I'm really, really frustrated and angry that I can't go until tomorrow. I got my hopes up and they were very cruelly dashed. There was really no reason for me not to feel well. Everyone feels perfectly fine afterward... I don't know what's wrong, or if anything really is wrong. I just wanted this all to be over, and it's not quite over yet.

Ugh...

 And boy do I feel great!

They removed Paul the freakishly large polyp, and my GE said that when he cut Paul open, there were no signs of cancer!!!!!!!!!

The anesthesia was fun hehe. 

I am just so relieved... My GE said I had the polyp for FIVE YEARS. Polyps become cancerous after 5-10 years, so it's really incredible they took it out now, since it would be cancerous in just a few years for sure.

Wow... just wow... so relieved it's not cancer.

However, there's still more tests to be done. An upper endoscopy to check for more polyps (in my stomach) and then a slew of genetic tests to figure out why I had Paul in the first place. My GE said "genetic mutation" haha. Fun. :]

But wow... I am going to have so much fun this weekend, even though I can't dance (no aerobic activity or heavy lifting). I'm just so relieved I don't have cancer.

I had a tasty milkshake to celebrate (no solid food until tomorrow). Best tasting milkshake EVER.

 We can has 1890s jacket.

Everything came today! Antique pattern and some really nice heavy red wool. It looks swell with the 1890s hat! I can't wait to get started, even though it means breaking the promise I made to finish my linen Regency dress. After all, I need the jacket in two weeks for my trip to Julian. And I was a good girl by finishing the silk Regency dress for Halloween. My only unfinished project really is the Elizabethan, since I scrapped the Alice dress and am finishing the paletot as we speak.

So tomorrow... after I come home from the hospital and eat dinner, there will be much cutting of wool before I'm off to see "The Woman in Black." I'm really excited to compare the London production with this production! Will it be scarier? I can't wait to find out!

For this weekend (because I AM going!!!):

*finish fur on paletot (almost done!)
*hooks on paletot
*hooks on plaid wool dress
*tuck in fancy petti
*look over green sage sheer (someone bought it! yay!)

I wish I had time to buy some flowers for my ball gown, but I also have no money. It feels horribly plain, even with my antique lace and silk bows. it needs flowers.... Or something...

And I'm halfway done with the prep! Other half tomorrow. It's really NOT BAD! Like, sure it tasted pretty nasty, but I only have to take 1 liter each day. And then the other part... Well that wasn't a big deal either! And seeing as how I got a sigmoidoscopy which is without a sedative of any kind, the colonoscopy should be a breeze. The only "hard" part will be dealing with the results, if indeed I have cancer. But we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

 I trimmed my 1890s hat to make myself feel better. I think it's adorable! I need more hats from different eras... Bonnets are cute and all, but having a tiny, useless, and froofilly hat perched precariously on your head is so much fun!! :D

Velvet, silk, berries, feathers...

Hokay my pictures like to disappear wtf.



    

Colonoscopy this Friday.

Fine. I can deal.

But I'm pretty much freaking out that I won't be able to go to the Civil War reenactment on Saturday and Sunday. Everyone I know who's had a colonoscopy was perfectly fine later that day, so there is really no reason why I shouldn't be able to go. However, I'm concerned that my case will be different... since my polyp is large, that will somehow... I don't even know.

If I can't go... I don't even know what I'll do. I had to miss the last event. I'm going to be so hellishly depressed if I have to miss this event. I know I should be glad that at least my life is saved and I have many more events in front of me, but I am not ashamed to say that I WILL be a grouchy, resentful, hateful sourpuss this weekend if I can't go.

However, I tried on my red silk bodice without a corset and it fits (I've lost so much weight... :-/). So if for some reason I can't wear my corset (which makes little sense... it already doesn't nip me in very much, just smooths out lines. And I'm not having SURGERY, just getting the polyp snipped out) I can still wear the dress. I'll be unhappy with the imperfect lines, but at least I have something to wear. There's also my wrapper which I love, but that means I'll be confined to the camp. Meh...

 Well I had no motivation to finish the Alice dress. Not sure I ever will! I wanted to finish my steampunk outfit but ended up messing up the corset in my haste. So I decided to just wear my silk Regency dress that I hadn't gotten good pictures of and go as zombie Jane Austen. It was really fun, and I carried around a quill and leather notebook to complete the look. Kelsey did my make up which looked pretty awesome, although you can't see it in the pics because they were taken at the end of the night. It felt so good to wear a complete outfit I didn't have to worry about. Although the top two hooks kept coming undone. I hate back closing dresses!!

I pretty much LOVE this dress... I feel so elegant in it. I want to make a chemisette with a giant ruff for it too. How fun! But I don't need a Regency dress for anything soon. I wish I could go to the Jane Austen Evening! Oh! :-/

Also, a scandalous pic of me in my bodiced petticoat. It would be highly indecent for you to see a front view! Even so, it's remarkably supportive and comfortable!

      

I decided to continue my madness and trim the entire bottom of the paletot with fur. I'm about halfway done attaching the fur, then i'll need to finish the edge. Surprisingly, I can sew through the skin with a regular sharp needle. Yay! Because I'm too cheap and lazy to buy leather needles. :D

 Look what the ex-manfriend bought me! For our trip to Julian!

I can't wait to take off that horrid black bow and really decorate it! I love 1890s hats. They are SO ridiculous! It's going to have lots of feathers and berries and velvet. I'm so excited! :D

I've got heavy red wool for my jacket on the way, and am bidding on a pattern on Ebay. I hope it comes soon... I also finally picked out a wool flannel I like for a shirtwaist, as well as a silk for the other one. Buying fabric is incredibly soothing... It shows I'm thinking ahead and planning for a tumor-free future.

 I had my sigmoidoscopy today to look at the polyp.

it is a large, precancerous adenoma.

My GE kept saying over and over again how blessed I am that they caught it this early, because in 2 or 3 years it would have been cancer. I will be having a colonoscopy next Friday to have it removed, and get my biopsy results sometime before that. Then we'll know for sure.

The polyp has a stalk, which my GE says is a good thing, because he can snip it off. It also means it is less likely to be cancer, because the cancerous ones do not have stalks  and are themselves on the colon wall. However, there is a chance the cancer could have spread from the stalk to the colon wall.

I figure it is a good thing it was caught this early, and that it's early enough that I have lots of options. Colonoscopy first.  Surgery next. Chemotherapy and radiation last. This is all worst case scenario. Best case scenario, the polyp is removed, the cancer didn't spread, and that will be that. I no longer believe strongly in it being the first case scenario, though. That's not to say I'm a pessimist. But during all theses tests, everyone was saying it's nothing, and they turned out to be wrong. I'm tired of getting my hopes up, only to have things get worse each time. So I'm going to take the middle ground and be a realist about this whole thing.

If anything, it's helped me realize what is important in life, and what isn't worth worrying about. I'm not going to shut down because that would be ridiculous and a complete waste of my time. I am fully functioning and can do all the things I want to do. I'm especially NOT going to let another man EVER get me down or make me feel bad about myself. I'm gonna be one hell of a fighter once I get through with all this!

 I just bought more fabric. :(

For a jacket and blouse to go with the wool 1890s skirt I made last year. Ex-manfriend wants to take me to Julian for a few days during Thanksgiving break, which necessitates period clothing (the town is an old mining town full of quaint historic things to see and do). I'm picking 1890s because Julian was founded in the 1870s, and since I haven't made up either of my bustle dresses (that I have fabric for!) I figured 1890s would be a good middle ground. And the hotel we'll stay at was built in the 90s. Not to mention it's going to be COLD and my 1890s skirt is wool. So I've got a red wool jacket planned, a plaid silk waist, and another waist probably in flannel. Three relatively small and simple projects.

Here's the updated list of doom.

Things I have fabric for:
*WWI nurse uniform
*1860s silk day dress
*1780s silk jacket
*Frilly Friday dress
*1876 summer bustle dress
*1876 plaid linen polonaise bustle dress

Things I've started but haven't finished:
*stamped velvet Elizabethan
*linen Regency
*red wool paletot

Things I've got coming/planned:
*1890s wool jacket
*1890s silk waist
*1890s flannel waist

Things that need to get done:
*paletot (Moorpark)

I really... need to stop. This is bad. No more new stuff. Niamh, I don't care what you say!!!!! I have way too many projects. That's about one project for every era! Sheesh! I actually feel really horrible about having this much fabric. Wow... :(

The sleeves look like Tudor sleeves, I've decided. :]

Well... here is one sleeve with fur and fur around the neck. I'm not sure why, but I don't feel 100% happy with how it's turning out... Maybe I will when I have both fur cuffs on.

  

Sewing fur is HARD and not fun... I don't think  I have enough patience to trim my whole paletot with it... I've just started cutting and finishing pieces of fur to put on the sleeves, and I'm already getting really angry (and sneezy!). Maybe I'll put up with it enough to get fur on the sleeves and see how I feel. But at this rate, it is NOT going on every edge of the paletot...

But... what else could I trim it with? I could do soutache, but it seems like everyone does soutache, and that's about as annoying to me as the fur. I have some really, really lovely apple green velveteen I could trim it with... Maybe black fringe? I don't know... I need this in two weeks.

 I think I'm going to be stood up tonight. Was supposed to hang out with an old crush from high school. He graduated from college last year and came home this summer. He hasn't responded to my two texts or voice mail... Hmph...

The linen Regency is almost done. It's so cute! I just need to hem the ruffles and the skirt, and put some hooks and eyes on. The colors got really washed out in the pics, but it's much nicer in real life! I love how silly the ruffles are. I really, really love this dress.

Yucky, blurry pictures... It looks so much better than this, I promise.

    

 Well, it was actually with his PA because he got called to the hospital (ummm...???).

Basically, the nice PA told me:

1) The polyp is about 2 cm big which is quite big for a polyp.
2) Because it was described as a "polypoid soft tissue mass" she thinks it is more likely a lipoma (a benign mass of fatty tissue; people get them all over their bodies) than a cancerous mass.
3) Even though my grandmother had colon cancer, I'm still average risk for having colon cancer.
4) Even though it's highly unlikely, we can't cross cancer off the list, yet.


So I'm going to have a sigmoidoscopy Tuesday, not a colonoscopy. Which is boy yay  because I don't have to go to the hospital (it's in the GE's office), I don't have to be anesthetized, and I don't have to spend the night before in hell. I'm still TOTALLY NOT EXCITED but I'm in much less dread of it than I was the colonoscopy. Still have to have an enema, but only the morning of.

All I have to worry about now is... nothing. There's nothing I can do about anything, and really no reason to worry about it; it won't change anything. If it is cancer, I'll worry about it when I know it is. But I don't know anything right now either way. I'm not in horrible pain, I'm fully functional, and I'm home with my family.

I can do this.

 I've named him Paul. That makes him somehow... nicer?

He's 1.8 cm big. I don't know how big that is in terms of polyps. My doctor doesn't think it's cancerous, but she's referring me to a gastroenterologist who'll look at my scan results and decide what needs to be done from there. I can't imagine why they'd leave it in there, even if it's not cancerous. I have been having some problems which (in my new research) are most likely caused by the polyp. So that's somewhat of a relief. I am just SO TOTALLY NOT excited about the prospect of a colonoscopy...

It just makes so little sense as to why I have a polyp. I'm only 18, I eat freakishly well (I just lost 17 pounds this year. You don't do that by eating a nasty high-fat diet), and just... no. But less likely things have happened to more people, I'm sure. How funny to go from an ovarian cyst to a colon polyp. I'm mainly disappointed that all this medical nonsense isn't over. I want to go back to not worrying about my health. I feel pretty powerless and depressed about the situation. It's amazing that you can think and feel you're perfectly healthy when you're not. At least it's getting taken care of, I guess.

:(

My doctor called me this morning. She never calls me.

She said they found a polyp in my colon.

Awesome.

My mom is trying to call her back, but she's with a patient. I don't know what we're going to have to do. I know it's not a BIG deal, but it's not a FUN thing to have to deal with. I might have to have it biopsied. Ugh. Sedation. Hospitals. No good.

I don't really want to deal with this right now. *shuts down*

 Well, except for closures... :]

    

 I am now officially Lady Bridget Manners with the Queen's Court of the Southern California Renaissance Pleasure Faire.

*squee!*

This feels like such and honor, because I think RPFS is the most prestigious faire around (I may be a wee bit biased...) with the best-looking court ever! I'm already getting giddy thinking about who Bridget will be (and especially what she'll wear!). This will be the most fun "work" I've ever done!

I just finished trimming the green plaid wool dress! I'll take good pictures tomorrow, I promise. :]

Right now, I really want to start on the linen Regency dress... But I should probably finishing fixing the grey silk dress. Boo!

That wasn't fun.

At all.

The whole scan part wasn't bad. I managed to down the barium suspension without gagging. Even the IV contrast with the awkward warm sensations was tolerable.

It was the "surprise" the radiologist had for me, in the form of a contrast I didn't even know they could/would do. I don't want to give you TMI, so I'll leave it at that. But it was really, really, really unpleasant.

I hope this is the last of unnecessary and uncomfortable tests, and that the CT scan comes back clean, and whatever was on my MRI was a fluke.

Ugh...

 I'm having a CT scan tomorrow.

Meh. 

I put off thinking about it because it seemed so far away, and the MRI ended up being no big deal. But this time I have to have an enema, which I am SO not looking forward to. The MRI technician also told me that he thought CT scan contrast was worse than MRI contrast. I didn't have any problems with the MRI contrast though, and I've really never reacted to anything in my life *knock on wood*.

Kezie and I are supposed to go to Disneyland afterwards, but I'm not sure I'll feel up to it. Boo... :-/