... that this is true. I haven't felt this hopeless in a very long time.

Had another weird dream the other night. I'm wondering if this is all pent up stuff I need to talk to someone about (the someone in my dream) but it seems too random and awkward. It would go something like this: "You make me hate myself for feeling inferior to you." Bleh. Maybe I need a talk therapist. I'm beginning to think it's a good thing I haven't been able to go to as many Civil War events. It keeps me out of trouble and from beating myself when things don't go the way I want them to. Faire is going to be such a refreshing escape... It's pretty much the only era that hasn't been "ruined" for me...

I made up a shopping list for tomorrow (supposing I can sneak out of the house). Lawn for 16th century shirts, embroidery stuff for attempting blackwork *fingers crossed*, and fabric for a new farthingale (going to salvage the boning from my old one). Would love to get linen for an 18th century working class outfit, but I don't think it's gonna happen until summer. Maybe I'll spring for some voile for a petti to go with my 1780s jacket. Yes... this sounds like a good plan...

Am I correct in thinking that one failed math test will not adversely affect my graduating from college in the long run? Because right now I'm having a complete meltdown and feeling like a failure at life... I hate math. That's why I'm majoring in Art History. This is the last math class I will ever have to take in my entire life!

Meh... You have no business being in my subconscious. :(

I've been in a weird mood all day now. I hate how dreams do that.

I dreamed he told me to stop being jealous and that he never wanted to see me again. And I spent the rest of the dream frantically trying to find him. It may have been New Moon-induced, since I just saw it the other day. What made me upset was when he told me (in real life, now) that my biggest fear is him disappearing from my life forever. Um, excuse me??? There are so many things wrong with that statement, I'm not even going to get into it. If you haven't noticed, I'm a perfectly functioning human being without you in my life, and you wouldn't even cause a ripple if you suddenly stopped existing. That would be freedom for me, frankly.

I'm not that simpering Bella.

Birthday dress polonaise is almost done. Needs a hem and closures. Then I'll trim it and make the underskirt. My hat arrived and it's even prettier in person. Can't wait to test drive the finished outfit. I don't think I'll be waiting for my birthday!

PS: That's not the petticoat! I'm just wearing it for the pictures!

... and exhausted. I had a really lovely time though. The hotel was a complete dream come true; built in 1897 and appropriately furnished. No TVs. Afternoon tea every day. Befriended a charming British couple and we chatted about historical buildings and history in general (they live in a 16th century vicarage). Really delightful people, and it felt so quaint and perfectly Victorian to make friends in a hotel during tea. You know, the kind who end up touring the rest of the Continent with you because you hit it off so splendidly. ;)

The funniest moment: "You look like you ran right out of the 1920s!!"

Ah... okay... :-P

Tomorrow I'm going to Joann. Call me crazy, but the sale is huge and there are essentials I need. Like another bolt of muslin for mock-ups and various undergarment type things. And plain black cotton broadcloth for the Emma dress. I'm furthering my insanity by wanting new stays and a farthingale for court stuff. I'll even do them on the machine and use metal grommets, I just want them DONE. I think this is quite doable, but I wouldn't be able to get started until the end of the semester in two weeks. Then it's power sewing time! :D

Watched all of "Emma: A Victorian Romance." I'm in love. The story is sweet and less cliche than you'd think, there's actual character development, and the clothing is SPOT ON. Pretty much a dream come true for me. But as a result, I'm making a quick white apron and cap for a maid's outfit. Plan to wear it with my black mourning dress to Knott's in February and have fun as a lady's maid.

Birthday dress bodice is pretty much complete so it's onto the skirt. Decided to make the train detachable so I can have the shorter version to wear when space is cramped and there's lots of people around.

Frantically searching for court dress fabric... My mom has volunteered to take me to LA this Saturday for the fabric safari. I have a good feeling I'll find something there, but this is the first time the internet has failed me! I normally find great things online! Oh well. Winter break is going to consist entirely of whipping this thing up (which I know I can do quickly, especially on a machine) but it's embellishment that's going to take a lot of time. Trying not to panic. I can do it. I've done crazier things! I've decided to deconstruct the stamped velvet bodice since it fits perfectly and "recover" it with whatever fabric I end up choosing. That'll save loads of time!

I still need to order fabric for my bonnet! I've got everything now (even trim) and I'd love to get started, but that can't happen til I have fabric. But looking at my work load, I don't think I'll get to it until after the court dress deadline (Feb. 27).

My first semester of college is almost over. It went by surprisingly fast. I actually think I might be able to stick it out another year, but we'll see. I'm just feeling horribly restless, and I'm hoping that next semester I'll get a reprieve from that. New classes mean new faces. And I'm hoping there are a few handsome male faces in there. Handsome male faces who like history and are gentlemanly.

Haha yeah right. Back to sewing.

My parents talked to my GE about my biopsy results since I was at school.

There's no cancer, as we thought. But it was in the stage right before cancer. So we caught it. I will not die of colon cancer.

But... he also said that this is not something dietary or environmental.

It's genetic.

I could have... a genetic predisposition for... cancer.

He suggested getting a mammogram soon. And a pap smear, but I get those yearly so there isn't a rush. I'm getting an upper endoscopy in January.

I'm scared. I'm not ashamed to say it. I still need genetic testing and whatnot to confirm his theory but... Gee. I don't even know what to think right now. My GE is incredibly invested in "my case." I feel like I am in very good hands. He's busy researching the best geneticist out there. He said I'm one of those cases you "take home with you" at the end of the day.

I thought this was the end... but it's only the beginning. :-/

I woke up at 4 am in horrible discomfort that bordered on pain.

So I'm not going to the event today...

Most likely it was air from the procedure that was still inside me. I'm not in any discomfort today. There's also the fact that I hadn't eaten any solid food in three days. So I forced down a bagel and yogurt this morning.

I'm really, really frustrated and angry that I can't go until tomorrow. I got my hopes up and they were very cruelly dashed. There was really no reason for me not to feel well. Everyone feels perfectly fine afterward... I don't know what's wrong, or if anything really is wrong. I just wanted this all to be over, and it's not quite over yet.

Ugh...

 And boy do I feel great!

They removed Paul the freakishly large polyp, and my GE said that when he cut Paul open, there were no signs of cancer!!!!!!!!!

The anesthesia was fun hehe. 

I am just so relieved... My GE said I had the polyp for FIVE YEARS. Polyps become cancerous after 5-10 years, so it's really incredible they took it out now, since it would be cancerous in just a few years for sure.

Wow... just wow... so relieved it's not cancer.

However, there's still more tests to be done. An upper endoscopy to check for more polyps (in my stomach) and then a slew of genetic tests to figure out why I had Paul in the first place. My GE said "genetic mutation" haha. Fun. :]

But wow... I am going to have so much fun this weekend, even though I can't dance (no aerobic activity or heavy lifting). I'm just so relieved I don't have cancer.

I had a tasty milkshake to celebrate (no solid food until tomorrow). Best tasting milkshake EVER.

For this weekend (because I AM going!!!):

*finish fur on paletot (almost done!)
*hooks on paletot
*hooks on plaid wool dress
*tuck in fancy petti
*look over green sage sheer (someone bought it! yay!)

I wish I had time to buy some flowers for my ball gown, but I also have no money. It feels horribly plain, even with my antique lace and silk bows. it needs flowers.... Or something...

And I'm halfway done with the prep! Other half tomorrow. It's really NOT BAD! Like, sure it tasted pretty nasty, but I only have to take 1 liter each day. And then the other part... Well that wasn't a big deal either! And seeing as how I got a sigmoidoscopy which is without a sedative of any kind, the colonoscopy should be a breeze. The only "hard" part will be dealing with the results, if indeed I have cancer. But we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

Colonoscopy this Friday.

Fine. I can deal.

But I'm pretty much freaking out that I won't be able to go to the Civil War reenactment on Saturday and Sunday. Everyone I know who's had a colonoscopy was perfectly fine later that day, so there is really no reason why I shouldn't be able to go. However, I'm concerned that my case will be different... since my polyp is large, that will somehow... I don't even know.

If I can't go... I don't even know what I'll do. I had to miss the last event. I'm going to be so hellishly depressed if I have to miss this event. I know I should be glad that at least my life is saved and I have many more events in front of me, but I am not ashamed to say that I WILL be a grouchy, resentful, hateful sourpuss this weekend if I can't go.

However, I tried on my red silk bodice without a corset and it fits (I've lost so much weight... :-/). So if for some reason I can't wear my corset (which makes little sense... it already doesn't nip me in very much, just smooths out lines. And I'm not having SURGERY, just getting the polyp snipped out) I can still wear the dress. I'll be unhappy with the imperfect lines, but at least I have something to wear. There's also my wrapper which I love, but that means I'll be confined to the camp. Meh...

 I had my sigmoidoscopy today to look at the polyp.

it is a large, precancerous adenoma.

My GE kept saying over and over again how blessed I am that they caught it this early, because in 2 or 3 years it would have been cancer. I will be having a colonoscopy next Friday to have it removed, and get my biopsy results sometime before that. Then we'll know for sure.

The polyp has a stalk, which my GE says is a good thing, because he can snip it off. It also means it is less likely to be cancer, because the cancerous ones do not have stalks  and are themselves on the colon wall. However, there is a chance the cancer could have spread from the stalk to the colon wall.

I figure it is a good thing it was caught this early, and that it's early enough that I have lots of options. Colonoscopy first.  Surgery next. Chemotherapy and radiation last. This is all worst case scenario. Best case scenario, the polyp is removed, the cancer didn't spread, and that will be that. I no longer believe strongly in it being the first case scenario, though. That's not to say I'm a pessimist. But during all theses tests, everyone was saying it's nothing, and they turned out to be wrong. I'm tired of getting my hopes up, only to have things get worse each time. So I'm going to take the middle ground and be a realist about this whole thing.

If anything, it's helped me realize what is important in life, and what isn't worth worrying about. I'm not going to shut down because that would be ridiculous and a complete waste of my time. I am fully functioning and can do all the things I want to do. I'm especially NOT going to let another man EVER get me down or make me feel bad about myself. I'm gonna be one hell of a fighter once I get through with all this!

 I think I'm going to be stood up tonight. Was supposed to hang out with an old crush from high school. He graduated from college last year and came home this summer. He hasn't responded to my two texts or voice mail... Hmph...

The linen Regency is almost done. It's so cute! I just need to hem the ruffles and the skirt, and put some hooks and eyes on. The colors got really washed out in the pics, but it's much nicer in real life! I love how silly the ruffles are. I really, really love this dress.

Yucky, blurry pictures... It looks so much better than this, I promise.

    

 Well, it was actually with his PA because he got called to the hospital (ummm...???).

Basically, the nice PA told me:

1) The polyp is about 2 cm big which is quite big for a polyp.
2) Because it was described as a "polypoid soft tissue mass" she thinks it is more likely a lipoma (a benign mass of fatty tissue; people get them all over their bodies) than a cancerous mass.
3) Even though my grandmother had colon cancer, I'm still average risk for having colon cancer.
4) Even though it's highly unlikely, we can't cross cancer off the list, yet.


So I'm going to have a sigmoidoscopy Tuesday, not a colonoscopy. Which is boy yay  because I don't have to go to the hospital (it's in the GE's office), I don't have to be anesthetized, and I don't have to spend the night before in hell. I'm still TOTALLY NOT EXCITED but I'm in much less dread of it than I was the colonoscopy. Still have to have an enema, but only the morning of.

All I have to worry about now is... nothing. There's nothing I can do about anything, and really no reason to worry about it; it won't change anything. If it is cancer, I'll worry about it when I know it is. But I don't know anything right now either way. I'm not in horrible pain, I'm fully functional, and I'm home with my family.

I can do this.

 I've named him Paul. That makes him somehow... nicer?

He's 1.8 cm big. I don't know how big that is in terms of polyps. My doctor doesn't think it's cancerous, but she's referring me to a gastroenterologist who'll look at my scan results and decide what needs to be done from there. I can't imagine why they'd leave it in there, even if it's not cancerous. I have been having some problems which (in my new research) are most likely caused by the polyp. So that's somewhat of a relief. I am just SO TOTALLY NOT excited about the prospect of a colonoscopy...

It just makes so little sense as to why I have a polyp. I'm only 18, I eat freakishly well (I just lost 17 pounds this year. You don't do that by eating a nasty high-fat diet), and just... no. But less likely things have happened to more people, I'm sure. How funny to go from an ovarian cyst to a colon polyp. I'm mainly disappointed that all this medical nonsense isn't over. I want to go back to not worrying about my health. I feel pretty powerless and depressed about the situation. It's amazing that you can think and feel you're perfectly healthy when you're not. At least it's getting taken care of, I guess.

:(

My doctor called me this morning. She never calls me.

She said they found a polyp in my colon.

Awesome.

My mom is trying to call her back, but she's with a patient. I don't know what we're going to have to do. I know it's not a BIG deal, but it's not a FUN thing to have to deal with. I might have to have it biopsied. Ugh. Sedation. Hospitals. No good.

I don't really want to deal with this right now. *shuts down*

 I am now officially Lady Bridget Manners with the Queen's Court of the Southern California Renaissance Pleasure Faire.

*squee!*

This feels like such and honor, because I think RPFS is the most prestigious faire around (I may be a wee bit biased...) with the best-looking court ever! I'm already getting giddy thinking about who Bridget will be (and especially what she'll wear!). This will be the most fun "work" I've ever done!

I just finished trimming the green plaid wool dress! I'll take good pictures tomorrow, I promise. :]

Right now, I really want to start on the linen Regency dress... But I should probably finishing fixing the grey silk dress. Boo!

That wasn't fun.

At all.

The whole scan part wasn't bad. I managed to down the barium suspension without gagging. Even the IV contrast with the awkward warm sensations was tolerable.

It was the "surprise" the radiologist had for me, in the form of a contrast I didn't even know they could/would do. I don't want to give you TMI, so I'll leave it at that. But it was really, really, really unpleasant.

I hope this is the last of unnecessary and uncomfortable tests, and that the CT scan comes back clean, and whatever was on my MRI was a fluke.

Ugh...

 I'm having a CT scan tomorrow.

Meh. 

I put off thinking about it because it seemed so far away, and the MRI ended up being no big deal. But this time I have to have an enema, which I am SO not looking forward to. The MRI technician also told me that he thought CT scan contrast was worse than MRI contrast. I didn't have any problems with the MRI contrast though, and I've really never reacted to anything in my life *knock on wood*.

Kezie and I are supposed to go to Disneyland afterwards, but I'm not sure I'll feel up to it. Boo... :-/