I woke up at 4 am in horrible discomfort that bordered on pain.

So I'm not going to the event today...

Most likely it was air from the procedure that was still inside me. I'm not in any discomfort today. There's also the fact that I hadn't eaten any solid food in three days. So I forced down a bagel and yogurt this morning.

I'm really, really frustrated and angry that I can't go until tomorrow. I got my hopes up and they were very cruelly dashed. There was really no reason for me not to feel well. Everyone feels perfectly fine afterward... I don't know what's wrong, or if anything really is wrong. I just wanted this all to be over, and it's not quite over yet.

Ugh...

 And boy do I feel great!

They removed Paul the freakishly large polyp, and my GE said that when he cut Paul open, there were no signs of cancer!!!!!!!!!

The anesthesia was fun hehe. 

I am just so relieved... My GE said I had the polyp for FIVE YEARS. Polyps become cancerous after 5-10 years, so it's really incredible they took it out now, since it would be cancerous in just a few years for sure.

Wow... just wow... so relieved it's not cancer.

However, there's still more tests to be done. An upper endoscopy to check for more polyps (in my stomach) and then a slew of genetic tests to figure out why I had Paul in the first place. My GE said "genetic mutation" haha. Fun. :]

But wow... I am going to have so much fun this weekend, even though I can't dance (no aerobic activity or heavy lifting). I'm just so relieved I don't have cancer.

I had a tasty milkshake to celebrate (no solid food until tomorrow). Best tasting milkshake EVER.

For this weekend (because I AM going!!!):

*finish fur on paletot (almost done!)
*hooks on paletot
*hooks on plaid wool dress
*tuck in fancy petti
*look over green sage sheer (someone bought it! yay!)

I wish I had time to buy some flowers for my ball gown, but I also have no money. It feels horribly plain, even with my antique lace and silk bows. it needs flowers.... Or something...

And I'm halfway done with the prep! Other half tomorrow. It's really NOT BAD! Like, sure it tasted pretty nasty, but I only have to take 1 liter each day. And then the other part... Well that wasn't a big deal either! And seeing as how I got a sigmoidoscopy which is without a sedative of any kind, the colonoscopy should be a breeze. The only "hard" part will be dealing with the results, if indeed I have cancer. But we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

Colonoscopy this Friday.

Fine. I can deal.

But I'm pretty much freaking out that I won't be able to go to the Civil War reenactment on Saturday and Sunday. Everyone I know who's had a colonoscopy was perfectly fine later that day, so there is really no reason why I shouldn't be able to go. However, I'm concerned that my case will be different... since my polyp is large, that will somehow... I don't even know.

If I can't go... I don't even know what I'll do. I had to miss the last event. I'm going to be so hellishly depressed if I have to miss this event. I know I should be glad that at least my life is saved and I have many more events in front of me, but I am not ashamed to say that I WILL be a grouchy, resentful, hateful sourpuss this weekend if I can't go.

However, I tried on my red silk bodice without a corset and it fits (I've lost so much weight... :-/). So if for some reason I can't wear my corset (which makes little sense... it already doesn't nip me in very much, just smooths out lines. And I'm not having SURGERY, just getting the polyp snipped out) I can still wear the dress. I'll be unhappy with the imperfect lines, but at least I have something to wear. There's also my wrapper which I love, but that means I'll be confined to the camp. Meh...

 I had my sigmoidoscopy today to look at the polyp.

it is a large, precancerous adenoma.

My GE kept saying over and over again how blessed I am that they caught it this early, because in 2 or 3 years it would have been cancer. I will be having a colonoscopy next Friday to have it removed, and get my biopsy results sometime before that. Then we'll know for sure.

The polyp has a stalk, which my GE says is a good thing, because he can snip it off. It also means it is less likely to be cancer, because the cancerous ones do not have stalks  and are themselves on the colon wall. However, there is a chance the cancer could have spread from the stalk to the colon wall.

I figure it is a good thing it was caught this early, and that it's early enough that I have lots of options. Colonoscopy first.  Surgery next. Chemotherapy and radiation last. This is all worst case scenario. Best case scenario, the polyp is removed, the cancer didn't spread, and that will be that. I no longer believe strongly in it being the first case scenario, though. That's not to say I'm a pessimist. But during all theses tests, everyone was saying it's nothing, and they turned out to be wrong. I'm tired of getting my hopes up, only to have things get worse each time. So I'm going to take the middle ground and be a realist about this whole thing.

If anything, it's helped me realize what is important in life, and what isn't worth worrying about. I'm not going to shut down because that would be ridiculous and a complete waste of my time. I am fully functioning and can do all the things I want to do. I'm especially NOT going to let another man EVER get me down or make me feel bad about myself. I'm gonna be one hell of a fighter once I get through with all this!

 I think I'm going to be stood up tonight. Was supposed to hang out with an old crush from high school. He graduated from college last year and came home this summer. He hasn't responded to my two texts or voice mail... Hmph...

The linen Regency is almost done. It's so cute! I just need to hem the ruffles and the skirt, and put some hooks and eyes on. The colors got really washed out in the pics, but it's much nicer in real life! I love how silly the ruffles are. I really, really love this dress.

Yucky, blurry pictures... It looks so much better than this, I promise.

    

 Well, it was actually with his PA because he got called to the hospital (ummm...???).

Basically, the nice PA told me:

1) The polyp is about 2 cm big which is quite big for a polyp.
2) Because it was described as a "polypoid soft tissue mass" she thinks it is more likely a lipoma (a benign mass of fatty tissue; people get them all over their bodies) than a cancerous mass.
3) Even though my grandmother had colon cancer, I'm still average risk for having colon cancer.
4) Even though it's highly unlikely, we can't cross cancer off the list, yet.


So I'm going to have a sigmoidoscopy Tuesday, not a colonoscopy. Which is boy yay  because I don't have to go to the hospital (it's in the GE's office), I don't have to be anesthetized, and I don't have to spend the night before in hell. I'm still TOTALLY NOT EXCITED but I'm in much less dread of it than I was the colonoscopy. Still have to have an enema, but only the morning of.

All I have to worry about now is... nothing. There's nothing I can do about anything, and really no reason to worry about it; it won't change anything. If it is cancer, I'll worry about it when I know it is. But I don't know anything right now either way. I'm not in horrible pain, I'm fully functional, and I'm home with my family.

I can do this.

 I've named him Paul. That makes him somehow... nicer?

He's 1.8 cm big. I don't know how big that is in terms of polyps. My doctor doesn't think it's cancerous, but she's referring me to a gastroenterologist who'll look at my scan results and decide what needs to be done from there. I can't imagine why they'd leave it in there, even if it's not cancerous. I have been having some problems which (in my new research) are most likely caused by the polyp. So that's somewhat of a relief. I am just SO TOTALLY NOT excited about the prospect of a colonoscopy...

It just makes so little sense as to why I have a polyp. I'm only 18, I eat freakishly well (I just lost 17 pounds this year. You don't do that by eating a nasty high-fat diet), and just... no. But less likely things have happened to more people, I'm sure. How funny to go from an ovarian cyst to a colon polyp. I'm mainly disappointed that all this medical nonsense isn't over. I want to go back to not worrying about my health. I feel pretty powerless and depressed about the situation. It's amazing that you can think and feel you're perfectly healthy when you're not. At least it's getting taken care of, I guess.

:(

My doctor called me this morning. She never calls me.

She said they found a polyp in my colon.

Awesome.

My mom is trying to call her back, but she's with a patient. I don't know what we're going to have to do. I know it's not a BIG deal, but it's not a FUN thing to have to deal with. I might have to have it biopsied. Ugh. Sedation. Hospitals. No good.

I don't really want to deal with this right now. *shuts down*

 I am now officially Lady Bridget Manners with the Queen's Court of the Southern California Renaissance Pleasure Faire.

*squee!*

This feels like such and honor, because I think RPFS is the most prestigious faire around (I may be a wee bit biased...) with the best-looking court ever! I'm already getting giddy thinking about who Bridget will be (and especially what she'll wear!). This will be the most fun "work" I've ever done!

I just finished trimming the green plaid wool dress! I'll take good pictures tomorrow, I promise. :]

Right now, I really want to start on the linen Regency dress... But I should probably finishing fixing the grey silk dress. Boo!

That wasn't fun.

At all.

The whole scan part wasn't bad. I managed to down the barium suspension without gagging. Even the IV contrast with the awkward warm sensations was tolerable.

It was the "surprise" the radiologist had for me, in the form of a contrast I didn't even know they could/would do. I don't want to give you TMI, so I'll leave it at that. But it was really, really, really unpleasant.

I hope this is the last of unnecessary and uncomfortable tests, and that the CT scan comes back clean, and whatever was on my MRI was a fluke.

Ugh...

 I'm having a CT scan tomorrow.

Meh. 

I put off thinking about it because it seemed so far away, and the MRI ended up being no big deal. But this time I have to have an enema, which I am SO not looking forward to. The MRI technician also told me that he thought CT scan contrast was worse than MRI contrast. I didn't have any problems with the MRI contrast though, and I've really never reacted to anything in my life *knock on wood*.

Kezie and I are supposed to go to Disneyland afterwards, but I'm not sure I'll feel up to it. Boo... :-/

 From "French Kiss" (1995):


Luc: Why are you chasing after him after what he's done to you? 

Kate: Because I love him! And I'm afraid that if he doesn't come back that I'll... it'll hurt so much that I'll just shrivel up and I'll never be able to love anyone ever again. 

Luc: You say that now, but... after a time, you would forget. First, you would forget his chin, and then his nose, and after a while, you would struggle to remember the exact color of his eyes, and one day you wake up and, pfft, he's gone: his voice, his smell, his face. He will have left you. And then you can begin again. 

So.... Got my MRI results back today. The cyst is gone! Which is a good thing.

But they found something else. A "sigmoid colon lesion." Awesome.

So now I get to have a CT scan. Even more awesome.

I'm getting pretty apathetic about all this nonsense now. I'm definitely not as scared as I was when this all started. It all seems like a bunch of useless procedures, but hey, my insurance covers it so it doesn't cost us anything. I know I shouldn't say I'm tired of doctors already because this is nothing compared to what some people have to go through, but it's certainly starting to be a big pain.

I also got my first Gardasil shot today. All I can is OUCH. It hurt more than any other shot I've had, but at least I didn't pass out like some people do!

Alright... Enough of this nonsense, I have 6 yards of luscious cut velvet that wants to be made into an Elizabethan gown. :)

 I really hate the way I look in these, so you only get a few. It was so much fun though!

    

 The 20s dress. It's about 80% done and I'm already bored. To be honest, I was just working on it until my secret project and paletot fabric came, which they have. I'm going to start on the secret project today and take it up to school with me to work on. *squee!* I can hardly stand the cuteness of it!

Last night... was one of the crazies nights of my life. I'm a good kid who enjoys not being in trouble. I get straight As. I have a full scholarship. My friends are essentially the same. 

Put 5 asian kids and 1 white kid in a 5 person car, blast K pop, get boba, send them hurtling down the street right past a cop, then scream "GET DOWN! GET DOWN!" to the person hiding in the back.

You will get pulled over.

And it will be HILARIOUS.

Naturally, you promise to help pay the driver for the ticket you all caused him to get, but gee golly was that funny! And did I mention we had just left a Star Wars party? Under my trench coat I'm wearing a metallic bikini top and burgundy loin cloth. Luckily our friend who was decked out as Darth Maul didn't come too. Or maybe he should've, just to add to the ridiculousness of the situation.

Got home at 12:30. I'm still exhausted. But looking back with fond feelings at last night. :]

 What a fitting title for this post! :]

The weekend was far better than I could ever have imagined... This just furthers my belief in karma, and balance and harmony in the universe. My Thursday was absolutely horrible (long story) but this weekend completely made up for it all! The Big Red Dress was extremely well received in its debut. I never felt more like a proper lady, with my elaborate bonnet and fringed parasol! However, the skirt front was MUCH too long and I kept mercilessly tripping on it, which ripped out most of the hem on the ruffles. So before its next wearing, I need to shorten the skirt and hem all those ruffles... Not excited... In the meantime, I'm in super 1860s mode and want to remake the too-small green plaid wool bodice. I really love that dress, but I haven't been able to wear it! So I might cut out a new bodice while I'm waiting for my paletot wool to come!

In other news... Everything is... good again. :]

Soooooo... I guess I have a cyst on my ovary that is the most likely cause for some of my trouble. My doctor is having me get an MRI next week. All I know of MRIs is what I've seen on House. :-P My doctor said the ultrasound I had was probably more uncomfortable than the MRI will be, so I'm not TOO worried. Just as worried as anyone would be getting put in a tube with loud noises where you can't move... O.o

I have SO MUCH SEWING to do right now! Fixing a dress, putting buttons on a jacket, AND finish  my own two dresses! Ack! At least I don't have any homework! :]

I can't wait for tomorrow. I don't know how I'm going to sleep tonight!!

So cute guy in history that I didn't think anything would happen with?

We're definitely hanging out next week when I get back to school. :]

Central Park is this weekend and you cannot imagine how excited I am to wear the Big Red Dress and my new ball gown. I need to finish redoing the bertha though, and both dresses need hooks and eyes... That's still much less work than I'm normally doing the day before! 

A good day indeed. Now, let's get through the night and get me home...

 Cute guy from my history class introduced himself to me as I left the room. So sweet! I doubt if anything will come of it; I don't even remember his name. But it's a big boost to my recently low self-esteem and high stress. I was so stressed lately I made myself ill, laid up in bed with a sore throat and head ache. No good. But I'm feeling so much better today. Still a little icky, but I should be well enough for this weekend and that's all I really care about at this point. 

Must resist the urge to nap or lay in bed. I had a horrible time trying to fall asleep last night, which is probably the fault of the two hour nap I took...

It's sewing time, I say! :]